Radical Acceptance: Making Peace With Where You Are While Still Moving Forward
By Breanna Potts, LPC | Eating Disorder, OCD & Trauma Therapist at Recovered & Restored
Life can be so beautiful and life can be so hard. Days when things are going your way are one of the best treasures of life, and so are the days when you feel the sun on your face and feel unstoppable. I’m sure each and every one of us carries a list of things that make life beautiful to us, and what a blessing and privilege it is to experience those things!
However, just like storms and rainbows go hand in hand, the hard stuff of life shows up in the midst of the beauty too. I’m sure we all have a separate list we carry that adds heaviness to our lives. If we could swap stories, I would be the first to share with you that my top hardest thing of life is those times when I’m confronted with the reality that something I don’t like is simply the way it is and then being told I have to accept it.
Excuse me?! Does anyone else relate?
If you can relate, first, I am so sorry that this is a hard truth of life we have to coexist with, but perhaps it helps a little to know you are not alone. Maybe for some of us, the struggle is still navigating something you wish you had already moved through. Maybe you're disappointed by where you are in life. Maybe your body has changed in ways that have been difficult to adjust to. Maybe you're carrying grief, anxiety, or uncertainty that you desperately wish you could get rid of. Or, maybe it’s “D: all the above.” If so, I am holding on to a hope and a prayer that you will see a breakthrough.
I tell my clients that I always want the honest version, so if we’re being totally honest right now, I think underneath all of that pain, we often find another quiet thought of, “I don't want this to be my reality.”
Of course you don’t. I don’t want whatever hard thing you are navigating to be the reality either.
Can You Relate?
To share some perspective, there’s this game called, “Put a Finger Down” where you drop a finger if you relate to a statement being made. Have you heard of this game? Well, let’s play a round. Put a finger down if you identify as a “fixer.” Now, put a finger down if you identify as an “intellectualizer.” So far, I have two fingers down. How about you?
When something hurts, our instinct is often to fix it. We do this by looking for answers, trying “harder,” and very often trying to control things we can’t. We also tend to analyze the situation by thinking through every possible scenario ever in hopes of finally solving the problem we desperately want to get rid of.
Now, put a finger down if you’ve ever told yourself that if you could just figure out the right solution, you wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. Okay, now I have three fingers down. I thought this game was supposed to be fun! Why do I feel outed?! If all of these things are resonating with you, you are in the best company!
Sometimes all those efforts to fix, understand, and solve, are helpful! However, I think we can all agree that sometimes those efforts just add unnecessary stress and frustration to an already overwhelming situation.
This is where radical acceptance can offer another way forward in those hard, unchanging realities of life.
What is Radical Acceptance?
First things first, you might be asking, “What is radical acceptance?” and then you might be asking “Am I going to like it?” Fair questions!
Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill rooted in the evidence-based therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and it is the practice of acknowledging reality as it is, without adding the extra struggle of insisting that it shouldn't be this way. It does not mean you like what is happening and it does not mean you think it is fair. It also definitely does not mean that you are giving up. Simply put, it means you are willing to admit to yourself that whatever hard thing you are facing is happening right now. For evidence on the effectiveness of radical acceptance, this resource offers more information.
To help better understand this, I often use a guided visual with my clients. I ask them to imagine their very hard thing in the form of a rock. Then I ask them to imagine holding the rock in their hands and then telling them to bend the rock. First, they look at me like I have three heads and then proceed to tell me that is impossible to do. I tell them to “try harder.” They say they can try as hard as they want, but the rock can’t be bent. That is precisely when I gently point out that this is exactly what we try to do with a situation we cannot change. You can’t bend a rock. No matter how much pressure you apply and no matter how strong-willed you are, you simply can’t bend a rock. So, why do we do this with realities we can’t change?
The Difference Between Acceptance and Approval
One of the biggest misunderstandings about radical acceptance is that acceptance equals approval. Let me just get this out of the way; it doesn’t. I repeat, acceptance does not equal approval!
Some examples of acceptance without approval look like:
You can accept that something happened without believing it should have happened.
You can accept that your body has changed without loving every aspect of that change.
You can accept that you feel anxious without deciding that anxiety gets to run your life.
You can accept where you are while still working toward somewhere different.
You can accept the rock cannot bend and not like the shape it is.
Now, just think about the amount of energy that can go into arguing with reality. When we say things like, “This shouldn't be happening,” “I should be further along,” “Why can't I just get over this?” we are arguing with reality. I think these thoughts are completely understandable, but at the same time, it creates so much more frustration for you. In fact, those thoughts often come from a very human desire to protect ourselves, but reality doesn't change because we argue with it.
When we repeatedly tell ourselves that something shouldn't be happening, we can accidentally turn one painful experience into two; the experience itself, and the ongoing battle against the fact that it exists. Radical acceptance doesn’t take away the pain of the struggle, but it does encourage you to ask yourself whether you need to keep adding to it by arguing with it.
Radical Acceptance in the Healing Journey
If you’ve been on the healing journey for quite some time now, you may have noticed that healing asks us to accept a lot of things we may not have expected nor chosen to happen. A few things I have had to accept on my own journey are that sometimes healing takes longer than I want, the past can’t be changed, and other people’s choices are outside of my control. Believe me, I have tried changing the reality of all these things, only to be left more tired and frustrated. If this is you too, I see you and I hold a special place in my heart for you.
In addition to those things, I have also felt a deep empathy with clients who are at point in their journey where they come face to face with needing to accept that they are not the person they were before they struggled. That can bring up so much grief. We often have our own ideas of what healing is “supposed” to look like and those ideas usually include going back to how things were, but sometimes that isn’t the case. Just like I mentioned how I needed to accept that the past can’t be changed, some experiences are marked moments that you move forward from, not go back to.
This is where acceptance becomes part of healing. You aren’t accepting that you will always struggle, rather, you are accepting that struggling is part of being human, and that you can learn how to respond to yourself differently when it happens. This resource walks you through the 10 steps of practicing radical acceptance.
Healing is a journey, friends. Acceptance often marks the beginning of a new chapter, a new layer, and new way forward. You are more resilient than you may know.
Radical Acceptance in Eating Disorder Recovery
Radical acceptance is incredibly hard and being in eating disorder recovery brings a particularly complicated relationship with acceptance. For many, much of an eating disorder can be rooted in the desire for certainty and control. Sometimes this can sound like, “If I follow the rules, I will be safe,” or “If my body becomes what I want it to become, maybe I will finally feel good enough.” There are many other thoughts that can come up when trying to control outcomes and feel safe, but no matter how your eating disorder sounds or what your behaviors look like, recovery asks you to begin loosening the grip you have on those beliefs and behaviors. That is incredibly scary.
Recovery asks you to accept that your body needs nourishment even when your eating disorder tells you otherwise. It may require you to accept that your body may change, or it may require you to sit with the discomfort of fullness, and the discomfort of challenging fear foods. It may also require you to accept that you may not ever feel “ready” to begin recovery.
We often think, “Once I feel better, I'll be able to do this,” but recovery is all about doing the opposite, which I know personally is so incredibly hard to do and professionally so incredibly hard to ask you to do because I truly empathize with you. However, I know what is waiting for you on the other side is so worth it.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is not knowing exactly what comes next. What will my body look like? How will I feel? Will eating ever feel easier? Will I always struggle with this?
These questions can be frightening because there may not be immediate answers to them or any certainty to cling to. Radical acceptance doesn't ask you to find them; it only asks you to practice saying, ”I don't know what comes next and that scares me, and I can still take a step forward.”
You don't need to know exactly how your recovery will unfold in order to move forward. You simply just need to be willing to take the next step. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, but the good news is, you are so capable of doing hard things.
When Radical Acceptance Feels Too Hard
Sometimes there are things we carry that simply thinking about accepting (let alone being asked to accept) can feel too hard. If we’re being really honest, it can sometimes feel offensive to accept the thing we are carrying because it just feels way too heavy and way too unfair. If that’s where you are, that is okay. You do not have to force yourself to accept a reality when you just don’t believe things will ever feel better. In those deeply painful moments, I just ask that we start with willingness. This can sound like, “I am not ready to accept this yet, but I am willing to acknowledge what is happening.”
I often find clients understand something intellectually, but still have a very human emotional reaction to it. Does that mean they are choosing to suffer? Absolutely not. Does it mean they don’t want to feel better? Also, absolutely not. It means they are human. Just like me and just like you and we are allowed to be human! Having our humanness come through does not mean we failed. Healing is not about never struggling again! It’s about learning how to meet yourself where you are and taking the most manageable and accessible next step, and sometimes that is simply acknowledging what is going on.
You Can Accept Reality and Still Have Hope
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about radical acceptance is that it allows us to hold two truths at once. You can accept where you are and want something different. You can accept your body today and hope to feel more comfortable in it. You can accept that recovery is difficult and believe that life can become bigger than your eating disorder. You can accept that you're hurting and believe that you can heal. You can accept that you don't know what comes next and remain open to what comes next. Holding two truths at once is explained in DBT and more information on what this means, where it comes from, and how it is used can be found here.
Acceptance does not close the door to change. It simply helps us stop demanding that change happen before we allow ourselves to care for who we are today. I believe that is the heart of radical acceptance. It isn't saying, “Everything is okay.” It is instead saying, “This is what I am experiencing and I accept that this is where I am, and I can still choose to care for myself in this moment.”
I think we have enough pressures in this world and enough messages out there telling us to try harder. I think it’s time we try a little softer. Radical acceptance is softer, more honest, and it leaves room for you to be a whole, complicated, imperfect human being which makes for a more sustainable and beautiful road to recovery. We at Recovered & Restored would love to support you on your healing journey wherever you may be on that journey, exactly as you are. We see you, we believe in you, and we are rooting for you always!
Additional Resources
Palo Alto University, Business Of Practice Blog: “Radical Acceptance with DBT”
Spring Health, Blog: “Radical Acceptance in DBT: What It Means and How It Can Help You Cope”
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Distress Tolerance: Radical Acceptance Skill
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Recovered and Restored is an eating disorder therapy center founded by Gabrielle Morreale, LPC. We specialize in helping teens and young women heal from eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and binge eating disorder and treat disordered eating, anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
Eating Disorder, OCD & Trauma Therapist
Breanna is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Recovered & Restored Eating Disorder Therapy Center, specializing in eating disorders, anxiety, OCD, trauma, and body image concerns. With specialized training in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), EMDR, and exposure and response prevention (ERP), she helps teens and women navigate the challenges of healing and recovery. Breanna brings a compassionate, humanistic approach to therapy, emphasizing self-acceptance, empathy, and the importance of meeting yourself where you are while continuing to move forward.
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